God, I'm Sick of Sleeping Alone

      It was the first Christmas in three years that Alex wasn't spending alone. His parents were huddled up in the back bedroom per usual and his brother was staying on campus this year.

I met a boy at the park today and he's the first person that's smiled at me in what feels like forever.

He came over for dinner and didn't scowl when he saw the trail of beer cans to my parents' room or the groans that leaked through the thin walls.

His name is Jack and i've never met someone that's seemed this interested in me before. He just talks like he really cares to know what I have to say. And I actually believe him.

       This Christmas Alex wouldn't be decorating sugar cookies and gingerbread men alone, or setting up the tree by himself. This year he had Jack.

It's been a few weeks since we met, It's Christmas Eve, and he said he wanted to tell me something important. Maybe he has a new girlfriend. Maybe he's moving away. Maybe he found out my dirty secret. Maybe he likes me back.

        Alex paced back and forth, waiting for the oven to kick on and wishing his parents would just leave already. He turned the music up, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer clogging the ears of everyone in the neighborhood. It's better than the grunts that would've been all he could hear.

I just hope it's good news, ya know? I'm awkward and have bad hair and bushy eyebrows but maybe that's what he wants. Maybe i'm just what he wants.
       
        There's a knock on the door and Alex's heart felt like his heart was about to crawl out of his throat because this was it. Jack grinned when the door opened and he walked in, commenting on how nice he thought the cookies smelled. There was an unflattering noise from the back and Alex winced. He was just waiting for that moment when Jack realized that maybe this whole thing just wasn't worth it. But he only smiled, teeth showing, and asked where the frosting was. And Alex couldn't have been happier.

He isn't bringing it up and I just want to know already. Did he forget? Did he change his mind? I don't want to be the one that asks about it but I feel like he won't tell me if I don't.
     
"Jack?"
        The boy hummed, still concentrating on the gingerbread man he was currently drawing a blue and green tie on.
"What did you want to tell me?"
Jack smiled, eyes flickering over to him for a second before looking back down.
"Later."
Alex held back a sigh and sat next to him, picking up a cookie and a tube of frosting of his own.
Later, then.


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     It was definitely much later and Alex was aching in his spot on the bed. The two boys were wrapped in the duvet, Home Alone playing on the screen in front of them. He could feel Jack's body against his side, both of them sitting up in an attempt to fight sleep. It was nearing eleven and Alex was determined to stay awake. The credits started rolling, and the brunette felt the other shift next to him.
"Take a walk with me." he said, turning his head to face him. Alex nodded, hands shaking.
This is it.

His hand is holding mine and it's so fucking cold and we're walking so close together that I keep almost tripping over his feet.

       They got to the park and stopped at the swings, both sitting down on one. It was silent for a few moments, Alex's nerves going haywire.
"This is kinda complicated to say." Jack finally spoke, voice quiet.
"That's okay." Alex replied, slowly swinging from side to side.
"Remember when I came over and talked to you and you were sitting right here?" He was staring straight ahead and Alex was scared as all hell.
"Y-Yeah."
     Because what if it was something else that Jack had to say? What if he said that he regretted ever meeting him? What if he said that he only said hey because he thought Alex's cousin that went to their school was hot, or what if he was in for his mom? Or maybe this was all a bet. Maybe he goes home every night and calls his friends and they laugh about something Alex said or did or how he always blushed when Jack smiled and what the fuck, is he gay or something? Alex felt like he was about to throw up.
"I'd seen you come to the park before and I wanted to talk to you so bad. You always wore shirts for bands I loved and you were always alone. You always looked like you were so fucking lonely and I finally bucked up and came up and said 'hi' to you. And I'm glad I did because I like you a whole fucking lot, and sometimes when you blush after I hug you a little too tight or come over unexpected, I think maybe you just might like me too."

Oh.

        Alex really didn't have much to say to that. Jack finally turned to look at him, this horrible look in his eyes like he felt like he was about to get shot, and Alex didn't have to have anything to say because the grin on his face spoke for him. The way he lunged at Jack with every fiber of energy in his body spoke for everything he couldn't ever say. His lips molded in to the other boy's, and it was so slow and it was so perfect. His hand was in Jack's hair, feeling fingers grip his hips and pull him closer. The chains on their swings clanked together and it was so fucking cold but they were so close together Alex thought he might choke on every word he wished he would've said sooner. He choked on seeing Jack sitting on the park bench a few days before they met and not saying anything. He choked on feeling Jack's arms around him in the middle of the night, the Home Alone title menu on the tv and hushed snores echoing off the walls. He choked on liking Jack from seemingly the same moment that the boy had liked him. The kiss was long, drawn out by wisps of air entering their lungs and tiny breaths, and Alex wished he knew what this felt like sooner. If he did he might have tried harder. Jack's mouth was soft against his and the brunette never wanted to pull away.  

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           Alex could tell you that he felt like death. He could tell you that he hated his parents for neglecting him for the sake of each other's drunken company. He could whisper in your ear how much he wanted to die and how much he resented his brother for getting out and running without him. He could yell in your face about how much you still don't know about him and how much you never will and how you'll never understand. But he won't. Because it was the first Christmas in three years that Alex wasn't spending alone, and he couldn't possibly feel more alive.